Binge
I'm in the midst of a binge. This morning I was thinking about how positive a post I could write today. For two days I was binge free. No purging. No starving. Just "normal" eating - three normal meals, and that's it. I was OK until I tried on pants that are tight. Eating disorders are great, aren't they? After two binge-free days, I expected my body to be perfect again. I got on the scale, and didn't like the results. "So, screw it!" I thought to myself. I've had fast food. I've had cookies. I've had candy. I've had Pop Tarts. I feel like crap.
A doctor told me to ask myself why I'm filling up on food. The obvious reason is because I hate the way I look and feel. I'm tired. I just want to take a nap for about three days and relax. Instead, tonight I'm having one of those "home parties" at my house, filled with lots of food. Early tomorrow morning I'm reading at my church. Then volunteering at the boys' school. And then a meeting at 3:30 with regards to our exchange student. And driving my husband to the airport at 5 am on Thursday, followed by the doctor at 10am. I forgot - the kids have a playdate here on Wednesday afternoon. This doesn't even include all I have to do for my volunteer positions.
Yesterday my dental hygenist asked, "What will you do when your boys go to school full-time next year?" What will I do? WHAT WILL I DO? As if I sit on my ass all the time now, eating bonbons. Between the bingeing I am pretty busy! :) Look at my yellowish teeth, and the fact that I have two cavities (probably caused from the acid from the bulimia - I'm pretty OCD about brushing my teeth, but these were in little spots - go figure!) I've been a corporate bitch. I've been a nurturing high school teacher. Maybe just for once I want to be ME, and do whatever the frig I want to do. Can you tell the anger I have right now? I suppose it's good that I'm writing about it.
I want to take a nap. I just want to take a nap and wish all of this stuff away.
posted by Mata Hari Mom @ 11:00 AM
3 Comments:
it sounds like you have so many people in your life who love, value and depend on you. Isn't it funny how we with EDs cannot see this value in ourselves...given the few jobs and activities you have mentioned on your blog you are obviously a very intelligent and capable women! CONGRATS!!!
as for your dental hygenist...it sounds like he/she only measures worth in economic value....how narrow...you give so much to your community and children both through your volunteer and paid work:)
Hi Mata Hari Mom, congratulations for having 2 b/p free days! That's a great step in the process of recovery. Regarding clothes not fitting -- it is normal to have bloating and water weight in the first 1 - 2 weeks of stopping b/p-ing.
It can be difficult for those of us with eating disorders because our eyes pick up on little body changes and if our clothes are tight, we can freak out a bit.
Your body will try to hold water like a sponge, most likely because it's grateful not to be dehydrated. You may notice that you urinate a lot more after a day or two.
Next time you take a step to not b/p, see if you can ride out the scary part and trust your body. It took me 6 - 8 days for the initial bloating to subside. A little longer before my body got back to normal.
With love,
Heather
You mentioned that your doctor asked you why you're "filling up on food."
In my group therapy for addiction, a common denominator is that we're all trying to fill a big hole in our guts. We try to fill it with drugs, or food (another drug!) or anything that gets us away from that hole.
That hole can't be filled with anything outside of us. We're missing something in our lives - our lives have gotten out of control, and we keep trying to gain it back by using -- whatever that may be.
It is sooo hard not to try and fix things by doing what we do. It's so confusing.
I could babble on about this terrible disease, but I won't take up so much space here.
Besides girladdicted.com, I'm also over here -- fatnomo.com
Treat yourself like you would a friend MH. I'll be thinking of you.
xox
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