Perfect
The idea of perfection seems to be rearing its ugly head the past few days. It seems that I encounter my lack of perfection in everything I experience - from a visit to the supermarket to a playdate with the boys to doing my laundry. Everything seems incomplete; as if I will never get ANYTHING just right. The laundry always isn't done on time. The moms of my kids' friends have it together and hint about how I don't. I laugh at my flaws and make jokes about them, but inside I want to yell that I'm just never going to be perfect.
I have two pairs of pants that fit. Isn't that lovely? I'm 5'3" and 162 pounds. Wow! Now the world wide web knows my weight, and you know what? They don't give a damn. CNN did not just break into a "breaking headline!" NPR didn't call for the interview. The President did not call to apologize. In the grand scheme of things, the fact that I only have two pairs of pants that fit (and let's not forget those J. Jill elastic waist skirts) doesn't cause the world to shatter. I will get up tomorrow morning, live my day, and whether or not I eat or starve or binge or purge will not throw the planet into an opposite swing.
When I consider the insignificance of my issue with my weight, I have to stop to ask myself why I am so obsessed with it. Of course, the perfection thing rings in my mind like a doorbell that's stuck. I will never be pretty enough. Smart enough. Thin enough. As a child my parents told me that no matter how much I excelled, there would always be someone above me. I remember feeling the disappointment. No matter how hard I tried, I could never be the best at anything. Yet, instead of becoming a slacker and giving up, I just tried. And tried and tried and tried. Today I'm still trying, and at so many different things. Trying to be the perfect mother, wife, friend, sister, daughter, patient, neighbor, volunteer, parishoner. Habits are hard to break.
posted by Mata Hari Mom @ 7:57 PM
3 Comments:
Hi Mata Hari Mom,
I just discovered your blog through Mandy's site today, and am excited to read more about you! I also saw that you linked to my blog and feel very flattered. I noticed, though, that the link doesn't work. It's got the "http" part in the beginning twice. I will link you to my blog as well.
Hope you have a wonderful weekend!
love
Emily
Mata Hari Mom,
your blog hits the nail on the head:) You make me laugh about the things that we ED women do instead of cry. I like the perspective...plus people often see ED's as a young girls disease. Way yo get the word out that it affects people no matter their age. (or race, or class for that matter)
HI There!
My name is D. I am a Communication Design student who works on her thesis. I also do have a bulimia – I am not yet recovering, but working on it. I decided to do my final project about my disease that will consist of a book. The subject/title of the book: “What bulimia made me do …” – make up of personal accounts of things that bulimics do to gather and eat food. Example of one story I am going to use: going through public garbage to find scraps of food – unfortunately that was I. Pretty disgusting, isn’t it? Nobody would ever suspect behavior like that from me. I am not going to use recognizable pictures in my book, maybe enlargements of parts of a body or just photographs of places where interviewed people live. I am not planning on publishing the book – it is just my own crusade to find a way out from it.
Please, e-mail me any comment you have and would like to share. My e-mail is miqnia@yahoo.com.
Thank you for your time and hope that all is going to be well.
Sincerely,
D
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