Blow Out
I had a major binge yesterday. My thought was for this to be a huge, last time binge before going on a "Loose 20 pounds" fast. Do you ever feel like your whole system has been ruined by the bulimia and compulsive overeating? Last night I was so sick - I didn't have to make myself sick, I was just sick enough. I didn't eat breakfast this morning, but just had McDonald's food with the kids, and I feel like I"m about to pass out from pain and naseau. My stomach and insides are so loud right now, and my gut feels like a bowling ball is inside. This is gross. I know I'm going to be sick.
I'm so bummed about my weight. There's another mom at the school where my kidlets go who is so thin. She's like the Queen Bee of Mommy-dom. She powerwalks for at least an hour a day. Why can't I be like that again? Why am I so lazy? I'm so lazy and fat. Nothing I do will ever get me to looking the way I'd like again. I'm the Pudgemaster - a cartoon coming to you soon!
posted by Mata Hari Mom @ 10:03 AM
2 Comments:
Hang in there! You are beautiful to us, to your family and to those people who you are helping every day!...remeber any scars...phyical or emotional are our battle wonds...we must wear them with pride!
Hi Mata Hari Mom, how are you doing? Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you. I agree with Esperanza, you are beautiful -- my hope for today is that you can see inside yourself -- really see that beauty. Funny how our minds keep thinking that things on the outside determine our happiness and beauty.
I always thought that I'd be able to "rest" about my appearance when I got older. Yet, getting older never seemed to bring me there. It's like I kept putting off accepting myself for a future date -- and doing the same things in the meantime. Same thoughts, same habits.
Somehow, I finally realized that if I was going to relax about my appearance, I had to do it now. Scary. Oddly enough, it doesn't lead to falling apart, like I thought. It just leads to peace -- peace of mind, a calmer body -- and the space to heal. The scariest part is trusting.
You have this power in you. You have the ability to run your household, raise your kids, write a good blog and volunteer in the community. I'm probably leaving a bunch of other things out.
What would it be like to turn some of that energy, drive and commitment inside -- and create love for who you really are?
With love,
Heather
P.S. Your blog entry here made me think about my own quest for perfection...I wrote about it last week. See, you inspire!
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