What to Do?

I took a huge step and am getting my teeth whitened. Moreso than a financial investment, this is a mind investment. I've told myself that I cannot spend this kind of money and continue to purge. I'm trying to repair the color of my teeth, not make them worse.

The first few days were easy, but yesterday it was almost unbearable. I've had a weekend from Hell with just being busy, busy, busy. We're talking pulling off luncheons for 150+ in a hotel in Boston, having no water due to remodeling, working, and just so much more. Let's not forget the phone that hasn't been working consistently since Wednesday. Yesterday at work I just wanted to purge. That was nearly impossible. The problem with not purging is that this weight on my body is just going to get larger if I don't do something. Maybe I'm just so filled with self-loathing that I can't live without harming myself. Does that make sense?

After all the accomplishments I had this weekend, I just wanted SOMEONE to say, "Wow! You really pulled off quite a bit!" But no one did. I had my mother and a close friend tell me I do too much, and then my husband just was there. I think he could care less what I do anyway. He's in his own world. None of them know about this blog, and I'm trying like crazy to keep it that way.

I've starting to make some henna so I can do mehndi on my arms tomorrow night. I find that so relaxing. I add lavender oil to the henna, so the smell alone just makes me unwind while I paint mehndi. Usually I'll do my wrists and feet, but I think this time I'm going to do the entire arm from the elbow down. I'm a pretty conservative dresser (think Old Navy and Gap meet LLBean), so the mehndi usually comes as a surprise to people. Even when I do my wrist, people don't notice it right away. I like that.

And thanks for my blogging friends (like Esperanza) for thinking of me in my absence! Besitos para ti! :)

Blow Out

I had a major binge yesterday. My thought was for this to be a huge, last time binge before going on a "Loose 20 pounds" fast. Do you ever feel like your whole system has been ruined by the bulimia and compulsive overeating? Last night I was so sick - I didn't have to make myself sick, I was just sick enough. I didn't eat breakfast this morning, but just had McDonald's food with the kids, and I feel like I"m about to pass out from pain and naseau. My stomach and insides are so loud right now, and my gut feels like a bowling ball is inside. This is gross. I know I'm going to be sick.

I'm so bummed about my weight. There's another mom at the school where my kidlets go who is so thin. She's like the Queen Bee of Mommy-dom. She powerwalks for at least an hour a day. Why can't I be like that again? Why am I so lazy? I'm so lazy and fat. Nothing I do will ever get me to looking the way I'd like again. I'm the Pudgemaster - a cartoon coming to you soon!

Thanks for the Thoughts!

I am truly amazed at the wonderful, caring comments I've received on this blog. I'm learning so much, and taking so much in to help myself get better. Thank you, thank you, thank you for reading!!

I celebrated National Eating Disorders Awareness week by buying a pair of jeans and shirt that fit. It's hard not to be the size I want to be. It's hard eating, and continuously thinking about how I should stop eating. I had a pretty good weekend with the food, all things considered. My husband was away, one of the kids was sick, the dog ate five pounds of imported food from the counter (a gift from a friend)...the usual things a 30-something mom like me deals with. When my husband came home tonight after his trip away, my immediate thought when I got home was to eat. Maybe it's because I can't relax, or don't feel like I can relax when he's around?

I have a packed schedule for the next two weeks, including presentations at schools, meeting with old classmates to plan a reunion, and volunteer events. You know what I hate most about these things? Getting dressed. I hate going ANYWHERE, because I look hideous. Nothing fits right. I hate my body. I feel like a failure because of the way I look. I don't feel confident unless I'm under 115 pounds. And I am FAR from that now. I could be president of every organization, receive awards, etc., and it's just never going to be enough.

I know this sounds oh so pessimistic. Part of my writing on this blog is for me to bring to the forefront my ugly thoughts, so hopefully I can work through them. Sorry to sound so pathetic!

Binge

I'm in the midst of a binge. This morning I was thinking about how positive a post I could write today. For two days I was binge free. No purging. No starving. Just "normal" eating - three normal meals, and that's it. I was OK until I tried on pants that are tight. Eating disorders are great, aren't they? After two binge-free days, I expected my body to be perfect again. I got on the scale, and didn't like the results. "So, screw it!" I thought to myself. I've had fast food. I've had cookies. I've had candy. I've had Pop Tarts. I feel like crap.

A doctor told me to ask myself why I'm filling up on food. The obvious reason is because I hate the way I look and feel. I'm tired. I just want to take a nap for about three days and relax. Instead, tonight I'm having one of those "home parties" at my house, filled with lots of food. Early tomorrow morning I'm reading at my church. Then volunteering at the boys' school. And then a meeting at 3:30 with regards to our exchange student. And driving my husband to the airport at 5 am on Thursday, followed by the doctor at 10am. I forgot - the kids have a playdate here on Wednesday afternoon. This doesn't even include all I have to do for my volunteer positions.

Yesterday my dental hygenist asked, "What will you do when your boys go to school full-time next year?" What will I do? WHAT WILL I DO? As if I sit on my ass all the time now, eating bonbons. Between the bingeing I am pretty busy! :) Look at my yellowish teeth, and the fact that I have two cavities (probably caused from the acid from the bulimia - I'm pretty OCD about brushing my teeth, but these were in little spots - go figure!) I've been a corporate bitch. I've been a nurturing high school teacher. Maybe just for once I want to be ME, and do whatever the frig I want to do. Can you tell the anger I have right now? I suppose it's good that I'm writing about it.

I want to take a nap. I just want to take a nap and wish all of this stuff away.

Quickie

I've had a tough, past few days, with personal family issues driving me to binge. I feel that the only solace I have is to eat, otherwise I'll scream. I'm convinced an ED person created Pop-Tarts; they are the perfect blend of flour and sugar, and have that "breakfast" connotation to them. As if I'm going to burn off two Pop-Tarts throughout my day.

Thanks for the comments - I can't even begin to tell you how much they help me. I'm having such a hard time with this. That's so simple to say. Is there anyone who says, "Hey! This ED is easy!" Perhaps that's why I've hated many of the ED books I've read. The problem seems to be solved with a few therapy sessions, group meetings, and wow - you are cured and your body image is amazing! If only it was that easy. I would just love to write myself into one of those books (which seem to be filling up the youth/young adult section of libraries and bookstores).

Perfect

The idea of perfection seems to be rearing its ugly head the past few days. It seems that I encounter my lack of perfection in everything I experience - from a visit to the supermarket to a playdate with the boys to doing my laundry. Everything seems incomplete; as if I will never get ANYTHING just right. The laundry always isn't done on time. The moms of my kids' friends have it together and hint about how I don't. I laugh at my flaws and make jokes about them, but inside I want to yell that I'm just never going to be perfect.

I have two pairs of pants that fit. Isn't that lovely? I'm 5'3" and 162 pounds. Wow! Now the world wide web knows my weight, and you know what? They don't give a damn. CNN did not just break into a "breaking headline!" NPR didn't call for the interview. The President did not call to apologize. In the grand scheme of things, the fact that I only have two pairs of pants that fit (and let's not forget those J. Jill elastic waist skirts) doesn't cause the world to shatter. I will get up tomorrow morning, live my day, and whether or not I eat or starve or binge or purge will not throw the planet into an opposite swing.

When I consider the insignificance of my issue with my weight, I have to stop to ask myself why I am so obsessed with it. Of course, the perfection thing rings in my mind like a doorbell that's stuck. I will never be pretty enough. Smart enough. Thin enough. As a child my parents told me that no matter how much I excelled, there would always be someone above me. I remember feeling the disappointment. No matter how hard I tried, I could never be the best at anything. Yet, instead of becoming a slacker and giving up, I just tried. And tried and tried and tried. Today I'm still trying, and at so many different things. Trying to be the perfect mother, wife, friend, sister, daughter, patient, neighbor, volunteer, parishoner. Habits are hard to break.

But it's there!

Giving up food as a crutch is a hard thing to do. It's always there. And if you don't have it in your house, you can run out and pick up three candy bars for a dollar at the supermarket. No one will pull you over for driving with a candy bar in your mouth.

Yesterday as we drove by McDonald's I saw a woman exiting the drive-through. She was shoving fries in her mouth. I don't mean a fry here and there and no one will know that I snitched - she had a fist full of fries, shoving them into her mouth. At that moment I was disgusted, repulsed, angry, and simpathetic. I'm sure that woman didn't think anyone saw her, but I did. And all those times I've thought I've gotten away with the eating, the bingeing, and the purging, I probably haven't.

Tonight while watching the Olympics I noticed that many of the women figure skaters have yellow teeth. I couldn't help but think how many of them suffer from bulimia. Can you imagine trying to stay that thin, that muscular, and that driven all the time? Just the thought of it scares me. At the same time, though, I ask myself, "Why haven't I been strong enough to achieve what they have?" Why haven't I had the determination to be a success? Why is it that I cannot overcome my own weaknesses and succeed? What is my tragic flaw?